Cheaterpants Coleslaw

Bloodlist: Glycemic

Sometimes cooking brings out the mad scientist in me. It lets me channel my inner Doctor Doofenshmirtz (from “Phineas and Ferb” on the Disney Channel. Never mind that it’s a kids show – it’s one of the best comedies going. Check it out. You’re welcome.)

Like all good evil plans, this recipe has a back story. When I was a child, growing up in Gimmelschtump…no wait, that’s the cartoon guy….not that there is a lot of difference between Gimmelschtump and well, you know.

But one of the interesting things about growing up in the American south is the church pot luck suppers. Whatever you might think of religion, the food was pretty amazing. The whole process had this sort of unspoken coordination. Everyone had their ‘thing’ they brought…Food Network would probably call it their “signature dish”. But there were some things no one ever brought, because there was a county fair sort of undercurrent of competition about it. Cole Slaw was one of those things. Everyone made their own dressing, and everyone guarded the recipe like it was the formula for cold fusion or something. They all had their own spin, and none of them were very good, in my opinion. Then I moved north and discovered the best slaw ever…my friend Kelly’s. She didn’t measure or fuss. She heaved shredded cabbage in a bowl, thwacked some stuff on top and VIOLA – the best slaw ever.

I call this “Cheaterpants” slaw because compared to Grandma’s cold fusion recipe, it is quick, easy and nothing is measured. I borrowed Kelly’s heave and thwack method, combined it with some of her ingredients, some of Grandma’s ingredients and VIOLA – cheaterpants coleslaw.Β 

I’m guess-timating the amounts. So heave, thwack and adjust it all to your taste.

1 package shredded cabbage ( I like angel hair style with GASP no carrots) Get whatever style you like, with carrots or chip in your own carrot with a peeler, or skip the carrots. Β I’m guessing this package was around 3 cups by volume of the angel hair stuff which is what? 14oz by weight. Give or take. Whatever works

1/2 cup of your favorite ranch dressing (I used Ken’s Steakhouse because it was on sale. It is rapidly becoming my favorite based on taste too)

1/4 cup mayonnaise (I used the olive oil version. It wasn’t on sale – I just straight up like it better)

3-4 Tbs balsamic vinegar (the balsamic part is important…makes the whole thing if you ask me, so I wouldn’t use other vinegar for this)

Garlic powder

Onion Powder

Cracked / fresh ground lemon pepper

pinch of salt

Heave the cabbage in a big bowl. Thwack everything else on top. Stir. Adjust it all to taste.

My favorite way to eat this is on fish tacos, SoCal style, but it is pretty tasty by itself as a side.

By omitting the several pounds of sugar Grandma’s slaw had, this is really glycemic friendly. It could be very lipid friendly too if you are kamakaze enough to substitute low fat ranch dressing. The olive oil version of mayonnaise is supposed to be lower overall fat Β and has proportionately more monounsaturated (the good kind) fat. Being made out of cabbage, how unhealthy can this stuff be?


16 thoughts on “Cheaterpants Coleslaw

  1. That’s how I cook basically everything… by pinch/heave/thwak/throw. It’s so hard for me to figure out the measurements for my blogs πŸ˜‰ My whole family is like this, and it drives ‘outsiders’ crazy. My cousin-in-law is always complaining that we can’t give her a straight recipe πŸ˜‰

    This recipe sounds fantastic, by the way! I’m definitely going to have to give it a try next time I want some coleslaw πŸ˜€

    • Same here! I couldn’t begin to explain how to make my Grandmother’s (the other one, not the pounds of sugar lady) famous sausage gravy. She did everything by look and feel. Was so lucky to learn a few things from her. If you try the coleslaw, I’d love to know what you think. I’m such a ranch dressing nut, I think it makes anything and everything taste good πŸ™‚

      • I could eat ranch on EVERYTHING! I especially love to dip my pizza in it, haha.

        The only thing I really measure is baking stuffs. It’s just a precise chemical reaction that I don’t trust myself to get it right, rofl. Oh well.

        I’ll definitely let you know how it turns out when I get a chance to make it!

      • I have to measure for baking too, although I’ve seen some older women do bisquits by feel a la Alton Brown’s maymay. I’m right there with you with the ranch and pizza. There is a local place here that makes a ranch, steak and red onion pizza. It’s a little hole-in-the-wall family-owned Italian place, so the crust rocks too. Napoli’s. mmmmmm. Keep this up and we’re going to be doing our own version of “best thing I ever ate” πŸ˜€

      • Haha, I could talk about food all day! I believe you mentioned you are/were at some point from around Pittsburgh? My college roommate lived there, and I visited a few times. The best pizza I ever ate was from a hole in the wall place out there called Fiori’s. It was soooooooooo good, haha. Now I live in Jersey, so a trip out there for pizza just isn’t worth it πŸ˜‰

      • Pittsburgh loves food! I’m in the “South Hills”…the immediate southern suburbs (Mount Lebanon, Scott Township) Fiori’s is well known, so is Mineo’s. But you all have some rocking food there in Jersey too! I have a good friend who is from Jersey City.

      • I have better than Jersey food… I live a half hour from Philly… so anytime I want an amazing cheese steak πŸ˜‰

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